Re: today’s educational Patrick e-mail: I thought up a good pickup line for a health store: “hey baby, how 'bout I be the anti-oxidant to your free radical?”
Tiny frustrations abound these days. Today I was tugging at my pant leg with a little tear in my eye. “Pants,” I bemoaned, “why do you hate me, Pants?” One of the indicators of fitness on the PCP litmus test is how our pants fit. I started a size 14, and I am still…size 14. Curse my pants.
I have also developed the worrying habit of lifting up my shirt when I pass a mirror. It used to be to check for ab definition, but now it’s more compulsive. What if I’m in a shopping mall post-PCP and catch my reflection and then I’m flashing the mannequins at Nordstrom?
Speaking of curses, it occurred to me that Patrick seems to want to be cursed. He’s always saying things like “bring it on” or “I can take it.” I would never curse Patrick. But I do curse my lousy lousy form (yes I look in a mirror)(with my shirt on), curse my inability to do a pushup right, curse the Perfect Pushup bars, curse the pullup, curse failing muscle failure, and triple curse the pistol squat, which seems to change form and intensity every time I try to get it right. If you would like to curse these things, I give you:
Useful Curses in a Minor Arabic Dialect:
Gssar amarak: May god shorten your life.
(This a catchall phrase, used for children, animals, cab drivers, inanimate objects, and annoying people.)
Yah-hrek…: May god burn (insert phrase)
Wirk: Ass
Eeyatiik hnesh: May god give you a snake.
Ane nithammen nte yejbar (hnesh) vi sirwaltak: I hope you find a snake in your pants. (haha)
But why stop at snake (hnesh)? How about goat (anz), cat (moosh), or sheep (kebsh?) If you want an antidote to the curse, just say “mahu vali” or, “may it not be so, it was just a joke, I'm kidding.” Want a blessing? Say "salaamu-alleykum" or "peace be upon you."
Yesterday I failed at muscle failure. Does failing at failing mean you succeed? Or does it just take you out to another special level of failure, like an F-? And is that a form of success in itself? I think the lesson we all learned here today is AAAAAAAGGGGHHHH CURSE PATRICK CURSE PATRICK!!!!!!!!!!!
(Mahu vali).
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Planks elicit curses every time. I usually don't swear, but I save the special "F-Bomb" just for planks. If you listen very carefully on the days when there are planks, I am sure you will hear the long, drawn out "F*********" echoing throughout the land. That would be me after each set when I collapse in a sweating, quivering heap.
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