I'm no Superman (Day 60)

Today I was walking home from the library past some apartment complexes when I smelled a strong concentration of natural gas. "That's odd," I thought. I waited for the smell to dissipate but it instead increased in intensity and spread up the street. I began debating what to do. Should I tell someone? Should I ignore it? Then I remembered an old Zen is Stupid episode that suggested that we look at the motivation behind our first thoughts in these situations. "O.k," I reasoned, "maybe I am just being lazy. What if there is a gas leak? I could save children!" Spider senses tingling, I raced home and dialed the gas company. They arrived an hour later and asked me to point them to the area of the "leak". I gestured vaguely at the apartment complexes. The smell was gone.

"Do you know what that is across the street?" they asked. "Uh...an electrical building?" I guessed. One of the technicians chuckled. "Yes... and behind that is a sewage treatment plant!" My little brother isn't here so I'll say it for him: "IDIOT." Natural gas indeed.

Meditation, Japanese learning, and PCP continue apace. I'm not loving the slow jumpropes. I like to spaz out and jump as fast as I can, so I save that for the last minute or two of jumping. I almost reached muscle failure with my legs the other day. One of them was shaking so badly I had trouble standing on the band for Da Vinci's. I tried to reach it with my Katanas last night. It's strange. I would get a good burn and then not be able to lift the band all the way up and continue with half reps. Then I would do my pause, get a few full reps in, then have to continue at half reps. I guess next time I'll keep half-repping it until my muscles won't move anymore...

I would like to pass the curse of the Banana Boat song on to some other beginning meditator.

Japanese people, please kindly remove the characters "oh," "nu," and "nay" from your alphabet as they are difficult to write and I dislike them.

I've been flossing every day to keep away the nano particles. I haven't seen the article about this particular benefit of flossing, but Patrick explains things well and by this point I trust him enough that if he said that vigorously picking your nose for five minutes a day was healthful for your spleen I would probably do it. Don't worry Pat, I've got that one covered. Finger guns, wink.

I bring the crazy (Day 56)

I went to the unemployment office today. I walked in the door and they were like, "wow! A sarcastic English major! There's been a shortage, and we just love your bad attitude! You're just what we're looking for." And then the whole office stood up and applauded.

I also went to the playground today for a more thorough check for small pull-up bars and there are now 10 little holes in our door frame where the screw hit the concrete and an unused Gold's Gym pull-up bar in my closet. I jumped up on the big pull-up bar and flailed around for a few seconds before concluding, "nope, still too fat." I also snapped my jumprope a few days back. The leather was worn through. Yeah, PCP tradition and all that. Where's the jumprope fairy?


Tonight I might put an extra dollop of honey in my yogurt. I'll foil you yet, Reynolds! BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Embracing the suck (day 55)

Curses, pants, cursing pants (day 54)

Re: today’s educational Patrick e-mail: I thought up a good pickup line for a health store: “hey baby, how 'bout I be the anti-oxidant to your free radical?”

Tiny frustrations abound these days. Today I was tugging at my pant leg with a little tear in my eye. “Pants,” I bemoaned, “why do you hate me, Pants?” One of the indicators of fitness on the PCP litmus test is how our pants fit. I started a size 14, and I am still…size 14. Curse my pants.

I have also developed the worrying habit of lifting up my shirt when I pass a mirror. It used to be to check for ab definition, but now it’s more compulsive. What if I’m in a shopping mall post-PCP and catch my reflection and then I’m flashing the mannequins at Nordstrom?

Speaking of curses, it occurred to me that Patrick seems to want to be cursed. He’s always saying things like “bring it on” or “I can take it.” I would never curse Patrick. But I do curse my lousy lousy form (yes I look in a mirror)(with my shirt on), curse my inability to do a pushup right, curse the Perfect Pushup bars, curse the pullup, curse failing muscle failure, and triple curse the pistol squat, which seems to change form and intensity every time I try to get it right. If you would like to curse these things, I give you:

Useful Curses in a Minor Arabic Dialect:

Gssar amarak: May god shorten your life.
(This a catchall phrase, used for children, animals, cab drivers, inanimate objects, and annoying people.)
Yah-hrek…: May god burn (insert phrase)
Wirk: Ass
Eeyatiik hnesh: May god give you a snake.
Ane nithammen nte yejbar (hnesh) vi sirwaltak: I hope you find a snake in your pants. (haha)

But why stop at snake (hnesh)? How about goat (anz), cat (moosh), or sheep (kebsh?) If you want an antidote to the curse, just say “mahu vali” or, “may it not be so, it was just a joke, I'm kidding.” Want a blessing? Say "salaamu-alleykum" or "peace be upon you."

Yesterday I failed at muscle failure. Does failing at failing mean you succeed? Or does it just take you out to another special level of failure, like an F-? And is that a form of success in itself? I think the lesson we all learned here today is AAAAAAAGGGGHHHH CURSE PATRICK CURSE PATRICK!!!!!!!!!!!

(Mahu vali).

To give you a reference I'm somewhere between a snake and a mongoose and...a panther! (Day 53)

Today's hiragana letter: Ah, written as a T and a squiggle fish, one of the letters in one of the Japanese alphabets. Only 47 more letters to go in this alphabet. And I studied "i" which looks like a nose and the line beside your mouth when you smile.

Meditating in the morning was ok, probably better than meditating at night. I hope I'm doing it right; I read about one guy who closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep to 'meditate,' every day for 10 years until he met a teacher.

I tried to go for muscle failure today with my legs. I squatted, pistol squatted, crept, and even threw in a few floor jumps. Those suckers wouldn't fail! I mean, they couldn't complete some of my pistol squats, but afterward I could still floor jump. I did fall forward a lot. It was very intense the whole workout, closer to what I'm looking for. I think I'm losing some weight... down to 157. I hope it maintains and keeps dropping. This is good, since I feel like having a lower body weight could help me do cool things with it.

Bhava tanha (Day 52)

Hey look, it's Patrick on that peak over there! No wait, it's just a Nene bird.

These next few days I am going to be embracing the suck big time. (Not that that sounds like a karma sutra term or anything, ahem.) First, I'm learning how to drive. This is something that most kids learn when they are sixteen and not, uh...shut up. I nearly hyperventilate every time I change lanes.

Next, I'm going to try to learn to read and write a few Japanese characters every day. My parents, and hopefully me might be moving there for different reasons. They have like, three different alphabets. Lots of room for suck.

I want to try out a real pullup again at the playground, not just a modified table one.

I'm going to go for muscle failure, even if this means doing extra sets.

I'm going to start meditating in the morning for ten minutes instead of five minutes at night. And re-learn the basics of Buddhism. Anyone have a good Buddhism basics book they can point me to?

I'm going to try to get a job.

Show me a Jessica trying to learn something and I'll show you this cat trying to get a drink of water (ok, I just wanted an excuse to post this.):




Hang loose. Or ten. Or something.


P.S. added new week 7 photo

She acts like she's the queen, and we're the sorry people! (day 51)

Here's a few interesting things:

1.) The "Bacon is Good for You" downloadable remix, see Mike's blog for reference.

2.) The anti-PCP, the Darth to our Luke, also known as the Fat Project This project has been taken off the web since its creation, but you can read about it at Salon.com. "The Fat Project challenged [two people] to gain 30 pounds in 30 days for $3,000. Site visitors could read project updates, consider "scientific" weight-gain charts, check out progressive photos of the contestants and chat on lively message boards."


Yesterday I managed to eat some unbearably salty airport turkey for my meat grams, as well as some late yogurt and a cheese sandwich. Not the greatest, but the best I could manage at the time. I ended up waking up at noon today. Repercussions from vacation include: missing eggs, missing breakfast and snack, and sunburn as well as a toll on my body clock. I'm a little worried 'cause behind my ear is swollen. I'd like to think it's from snorkel mask irritation. The internet says I need surgery for mastondonitis or something. Thanks, internet.


Realizations of the last few days:

-I'm trying to work down to the point that some PCPeeps were when they started, then I'll go from there.
-The PCP is not just 90 days, or even 125.
-After getting into a few big arguments over somebody close to me's personal habits, I realized that I can't change somebody by lecturing them. It's up to them if they want to or not.

Oh, and E? I thought of you a lot in Hawaii cause of that funny comic you posted... There was a bird called the Nene bird. Oh nay nay!

Woo! (day 50)

First I want to ask forgiveness from Henry, my surfing buddy for the day, who was not sketchy but AWESOME. Mahalo, Henry, you crazy 60 year old Hawaiin dude. You can call me Thunderbird (my surfing nickname, haha) anytime. I caught the first two waves of my life and learned a few surfing basics, like pushing up on the board, that I am a goofy foot and trying to balance. And I beat my dad out in the water on the tiredness scale, so that felt good. I wasn't that tired at all, and for the rest of the day it felt like there were waves around me as I walked. Good times, good times.

Finished my workout this morning. No way that I'm going to get my morning or afternoon meat or yogurt or veggies or many carbs in, which is a bummer. My dad refused to get a new carton or yogurt or meat so we wouldn't waste it. So I will be a hungry Jessica on that flight home.

Poi (day 49)

Last night I had poi, supposedly one of the blander foods in existence. To me, it tasted deeply smoky, like barbecue. I managed to make a luau meal of corn, purple yams, and pineapple. It was crazy how much shit they added to foods I thought were safe, like zucchini. The day before yesterday we drove up a 10,000 foot volcano, yesterday we did some more snorkeling (I screamed when I saw a giant sea turtle), and today we're having sketchy surfing lessons from a random guy from my dad's church.

Tomorrow's going to be hard with an all-day flight... we're getting in at 11pm. I'm not looking forward to my indulgence. I don't need it! Get it away, get it away! Last night at the luau I was having crazy thoughts like, "ha ha, I'm too fat to hula but Patrick could totally be up there." I am looking forward to being home with all my usual access to healthy food, exercise space and to reconnect with the PCP bloggers and to read the new PCPers posts. And I want to work harder in the workouts!

Sunburn (day 46)

Spent the day in the car listening to a chirpy recorded c.d. guy named Craig expound on the wonders of Hawaiin electrical poles as we slowly drove around the island for six hours. We stopped in front of a Soto Buddhist Temple, the closest I've ever been to a real, non-Tibetan sangha. It looked pretty serious, so we didn't go inside. I brought all my snacks and lunch and my younger bro wants you to know that I ate 4 extra grapes. As he reached for them he punched my arm and screamed, "I'M TELLING PHIL! I'M TELLING PHIL!" Good to know I have my family on my side.

Yesterday we went snorkeling and I woke up sunburned and dazed later in the evening and did my workout. That was the worst...poor poor me.

Shark (day 44)

I dutifully printed out the workouts and have been working out in the hotel room to light mauve sheets of Patrick planking, v-sitting, and uh...Patricking. The diet was a little rocky before we got to Costco...no major slipups, but I had to compress several meals into one. I have been eating a little more honey than I should. How much more honey? Imagine flotillas of plastic empty bear bottles off the coast of Hawaii. I've been telling my family that if I go off my diet "Patrick will come through the computer screen and PUNCH ME IN THE FACE."
Yesterday I was swimming by the beach with my family. I'm normally not afraid of sharks, but this week is special. My brother lectured me: "Jessica, be serious. You have more chance of being trampled by a pig than being bitten by a shark. I read the guidebook." He kept sarcastically grabbing my leg and laughing and swimming away. I rolled my eyes and said "har har har." The joke got old. Then, guess what; I saw a FUCKING FIN coming at me through the water.

PCP Jessica's Guide to Victory Over Sharks:

1.) Run flailing out of the water
2.) Point and scream shark until people notice
3.) Keep screaming shark

People were on the beach snapping pictures like crazy. It didn't look like a big shark, but jeez. At least now I get to say smug things like, "Oh, what's that little bro? No sharks? Is that a shark I hear out in the water?"

Pie (day 41)

I don't know what evil genie was cursing my astrological sign yesterday, but it was full of cravings and a strong aversion to exercise. I read Patrick's new post after the waves of chili lust wore off. Treat our cravings like mischievous neighborhood children...

"Mister! Mister! We've got pie!"
"Get the hell off my brain-lawn!"
"It's pie, mister, marion berry pie!"

My cravings are more like these guys, less genteel, more elemental...



When I have cravings I go to This is Why You're Fat and the heartburn I get just from looking at the pictures makes the cravings stop. Nah... Patrick's article makes more sense.

You can be a big pig too...OY! (day 40)

I will be packing my resistance band, pushup bars, shorts and sports bra and heading to Hawaii on Saturday (12th-19th) for a family vacation. My dad knows about the PCP, so one of the first stops we're making is Costco. Nice one, dad! I'm pretty nervous about getting my workouts in, especially on luau night. What if 300 pound Hawaiins surround me and force me to eat the roast pig? I'm hoping to do a lot of swimming, bodysurfing and maybe even some surfing if I can convince my little bro to tutor me in the ways of cowabunga.

After the vacation it's back to busy real life, and while I know all life is real life, I mean looking for a job for hours a day, building up my rapidly dwindling bank account, learning how to drive and being a productive citizen real life. I've been putting it off until after the vacation because, well, "hey boss, I know I've only been here a month, but I need a week off to go to Hawaii."

The JET (Japanese English Teachers) program opens in late September, and if the application process is anything like the last application process I went through (wisdom teeth out, multiple doctor's visits, blood drawn, essays, protracted interviews) I'm rolling my eyes already and steeling myself.

I loved Japan when I last visited it though, the people I met, the cities, the public transportation, the style of houses, the shrines, the food, the kawaii... Sure, some of that would wear off. But it sounds fun, and my parents are working there soon, so they can scope it out for me. I heard good things from my former co-workers about the program, and I really liked teaching when the kids responded at all to my efforts to teach creatively. Or when they responded at all. I think I would be so happy with a class of mostly attentive, quiet kids who don't start screaming meows when they hear the word "noun," or hit each other, or talk over their classmates, or talk through the entire class. "Class, this is a noun." "Ne-owwwn." "Me-ow!" "ME-OW!"

Tired of tired (day 38)

When I see something like this:



My natural response isn't "WHOA! RIGHTEOUS!! GET ME A PARACHUTE!" it's "Take a nap! Take a nap! Defensive pillow!"

I have been feeling low-level tired for the PCP, especially lately. I think that I have always been a lethargic-type person, more inclined to curl up with a book than party. Maybe I'm a little more in touch with my body and feeling it more these days.
And I have to say that low level tired is an upgrade from two years of 5-6 hour every day naps in 110 degree heat. The cultural mindset of the last two years was, "if you can't finish something today, no worries. How about next month? 3 hours or never isn't too late for an appointment." Before that I was in college, working two jobs and going to school full time, pounding down so much caffeine that I would get heart palpitations.

I liked the rush of feeling stressed like I had important things to do, but I realize now that that's not necessary. The world wasn't going to explode if I didn't get my "Symbology in Dickens" paper written. At the opposite end of the spectrum, it just wasn't healthy to lay in a puddle of my own nap sweat for six hours. So I guess these days I'm looking for a balance between cracked out and slug. Eating right, sleeping enough and exercising are making my body feel better in all ways, but I'm still tired.

So I have lots of questions for myself and others. Are some people naturally more energetic or can you re-create yourself to be more energetic? What can I do to be more active? Sure, I do the PCP workout, but then I sit for long periods of time.(My answer now would be an uncreative "uh...go for a walk?) I would think that being active all day would send signals to your body to perk up. Is there a certain point in the PCP where energy levels start to ramp up? Is energy more personality or a physical trait?

I need less of this:


And more of whatever the hell Nike is selling in this ad. I think it is warthogs and savanna animals. Maybe if I buy their shoes I'll be more athletic! And just like the people on the commercial! Just kidding. Don't buy Nike. But damn are they good at marketing...

(Sorry Mike, if you had this on the lineup)


Oh hey, guess when I'm going to be jumproping tomorrow. Bright and early! Fat begone, fat begone! Once I buy those Nike socks... Nah, but here is a gospel tune to pace your jumps to:


Gospel tune

Shrimp (Day 37)

Farmed shrimp: I imagine them in a pool of cow runoff, buried deep in their fetid sleeping nests. A taciturn farmer shifts off the covers and stretches his aching legs in the cool morning air. "Well," he mutters, "ty-im to feed the shrimps." He grabs his bucket of industrial grade Glurge and whistles sharply into the dark waters. The pool churns as their tiny pulsating bodies rise to the top. Suddenly, the air is alight with their fluorescent green shells and filled with chirrups as they raise their antennae to the scent of food... End scene.

That was my lunch of farmed shrimp...mmm. The Mexican wild caught shrimp are 12$ a pound. For that price I could hire a fishing boat to Mexico and catch the little bastards with my bare hands.

I dragged my little sister on a walk today at 7am. "Come oooonnnn," I cajoled. "It'll be fun. We need to get out of the house." Which is true. Right now we are big couch rats, surfing the internet for far too much time, or sitting on our bums reading. So we walked up the street and I got coffee and she got granola. We walked much further down the road when a few raindrops started falling. I was lecturing her how bad protein bars were for her. (Nobody likes a new convert zealot.) Suddenly, there was a massive downpour with thunder and lightening and when we got home I could pour water out of my shoes and my pants jeans were black with water. See if she ever joins me again.

I posted new week 5 pictures as well as one of some massive zucchinis we found on the roadside for free. Every week you can see a little more ab definition, which is strange to me 'cuz it definitely doesn't look that way when I stare down at my stomach. Last night I couldn't get fully upright for the pistol squat. Those puppies are insane!

Diet (day 35)

I was always one of those kids in school who had some idea of what was going on, but not the entire picture. Like the time the teacher sent me with a pass and a stack of papers to the teacher's lounge to make copies and I came back with 300 copies of the pass. Or the time I spent 8 hours making a collage of house cats when we were supposed to choose a wild animal. I had 8 wasted hours and all those little domestic kitties running around. So I kind of want to see what other PCPers eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and give you an idea of what I've been eating on the PCP. Just in case.

Here's today's menu:

Breakfast: Egg on toast, steamed kale, whole grain Cheerios with milk/honey
Snack: Watermelon, grapes, egg white
Lunch: My own version of shrimp scampi, two (whole grain, lowfat) cheese sandwiches, yam fries, egg white
Snack: A plum, egg white
Dinner: Chicken, a little cottage cheese, steamed zucchini or brussel sprouts
Snack: Apple, milk, egg white

VS.

Here's today's pre-PCP menu:

Breakfast: Cap'n Crunch with milk
Snack: Pie
Drink: Orange juice
Lunch: Salad with feta cheese and dressing
Later lunch: Cheese on chips with sour cream
Later later lunch: More cheese chips with sour cream
Snack: Rice Krispy Treat
Snack: Watermelon
Drink: Beer
Dinner: Steak fried in butter, steamed zucchini with cheese, bread with butter
Snack: Popcorn
Drink: Orange juice

Exercise now: Every day various 52 minute (I'm down 2 minutes!) combinations, like 4x16=64 repetitions of curls, planks, v-sits etc.

Exercise then: Occasional jogging for 30 min.

What's really nice about the PCP is that I'm eating all the time, but healthily. If you'll notice the pre-PCP menu, you'll see my breakfast is woefully inadequate. This sets me up for later failure when I try to eat a healthy salad. I feel deprived and then eat two servings of cheese chips. Then that leads to a craving for something sweet, then for something else sweet, and it snowballs.

I haven't gone off the diet at all, but I still have cravings. I'm not gonna lie. Last night I was dreaming of pools of hot fudge over soft serve ice cream. It kinda sucks, but like I said before, the PCP diet has you constantly eating so there's no chance to feel deprived and run to the nearest Dairy Queen. And I'm sure I would have pre-PCP. My resolve to eat healthy would have lasted all of two seconds before I would have pushed old ladies away to belly up to the nearest McDonald's or Burgerville. So while I have cravings, I realize they're fleeting and that all it will take is a good plum to quiet the wolfhounds of desire. Wow...

PCP fail (Day 34)

Rambling...


These days I'm feeling more like Gloopy the Molasses Monster when I need to be channeling Lord Licorice. It's weird, I never thought of myself as overweight. It wasn't until I looked at some pictures where I was feeling good and wearing a cute new top from France that I realized that somewhere along the line I became overweight. Someday I'll post that picture. I looked at my BMI for the first time and I couldn't believe the actual weight I am supposed to be around for my height. Right now I'm 5 '3 and 163 and I should be around the 140s or 30s.

Anyway, I cut my workout down from a burning, clean the floor with my sweaty cheek hour &1/2 to a panting the whole time, sweating, burning (and a little shaking) 54 minutes. It felt good...BUT I want to cut it to 1/2 hour and I want to shake, in Amy's words, like a cracked out chihuahua, my little jelly eyeballs quivering. Those darned jumpropes take a long time! I remember the first few days of the PCP where I had to walk sideways down the stairs because my legs hurt so bad. Where are those days?

Maybe I need to pretend that the stakes are as dire in this next video. Although I'm not using my body to hunt food, to run away from vikings, or to fight, I need to remember that I'm running away from the future dangers of heart disease, diabetes (my grandma has it), and cancer. And running to...hopefully something good.





A little Thursday motivational video, stealing Mike's muse: